Behavior Shaping

I know it's hard.  Your kid is screaming in Target and heads are turning and you are questioning your worth as a parent.  You are afraid they're thinking you can't "control" your child.

The truth is, you can't.  Your child is another human being, with their own spirit, their own will, their own soul, who is here to walk their own journey.  If anything, you are their spiritual mentor.  Yes, you are obligated to protect them from harm and educate them as they grow, but you actually aren't here to control them.

So, here is your homework.  Read "The Conscious Parent" and "The Awakened Family" by Dr. Shefali. 

The goal is to shape their behavior, and not by harsh punishments or physical beating, but by connecting with them at the deepest level and thanking them for desired behavior.

I know it's so much easier to have a simple punishment for every undesirable behavior they do - a timeout or a spanking - but conscious parenting and behavior shaping is really, really, REALLY much easier than even that if you give it a chance.

Here are the basics, but again, please read Dr. Shefali's work:

1. First and foremost, you must learn to recognize when you are being triggered.  They are doing something and suddenly you are fearful - fearful you aren't in control, fearful they won't get into a good college, fearful the other Target shoppers are judging you.  You must learn to recognize this and be able to experience your emotions without REACTING to your child.  You must RESPOND to your child.
2. Good behavior = positive attention.  Bad behavior = neutral or no attention. 
3. SEEK OUT GOOD BEHAVIOR TO PRAISE.
4. NO PUNISHMENTS.  No time outs.  No spanking.  No taking away toys.  No grounding.
5. NATURAL CONSEQUENCES for actions.  If it doesn't affect their health or well-being, find the natural consequence.  Think about what happens if you do the same thing as an adult.  
6. Limited rules.  Try to stick to only those rules necessary to protect their health or well-being.
7. No yelling.  Respect your child.  Ask before you do something to them, ask them for input.  Do not force them to give affection.
8. Make sure they are fed and make sure they are rested.  
9. Your child isn't giving you a hard time, they are HAVING A HARD TIME.
10. Look into your child's eyes, listen to what your child is saying, thank them for being them every day.

Mutual respect is at the foundation of every good relationship.  Your children expect you to have a calm, light energy that is consistent.  Don't give in to your children's demands, but don't punish them for trying either either.  Don't be afraid to be more flexible or spend more time with them during bedtime, but don't back down and give into their requests for candy for dinner either.  Let them experience the emotions - sadness, anger -- label and talk about them and don't let your own discomfort work you into feeling the need to stop the tantrum/meltdown so you feel better.