I haven't listed the type of disconnecting words but they are always the same; demands, challenges, shame, guilt, punitive consequence, fear, criticism, inflexibility, judgement, blame, dismissing, legitimizing, logic, disconnection, short term control, missed teachable moments, denial, rationalization, impatience, rejection, threat, advice, assumptions, defensiveness...
Scenario:
Fighting in Car
Food Limits
Getting Dressed
Hitting
Inappropriate
Sharing
Injuring Sibling
While Playing
Interrupt while on
the phone
Jealous of Feeding
Baby
Lying/Undesired
Behavior
Making a Mess
Misbehaving in
Public
Mistakes
Morning Struggles
Not Respecting
Limits
Performing Task
Picking Up
Poor Listening
Practicing
Instrument
Receiving Gift
Rudeness
Running Away
Separation Anxiety
Separation Anxiety 2
Sibling Conflict -
Being Annoyed
Sibling Conflict -
Hitting
Sibling Conflict -
Touching Things
Sibling
Conflict/Sharing
Sibling Fight
Sibling Fight 2
Tantrum
Undesired Behavior
Waiting for turn
Waiting in
line/tantrum
Wanting Toy (ages
0-4)
Wanting Toy (ages
5-8)
Wanting Toy (ages
8+)
Whining about Limit
Whining/Crying
Behavior
|
Disconnecting
Reaction (Unconscious)
|
Connecting
Response (Conscious)
|
Type of Response
|
Tantrum
|
Stop acting like a
baby
|
It looks like you
are having a tough time. Let's go find
a quiet place to get settled.
|
Observation
|
Answer Me!
|
I'm feeling
frustrated because when I ask you something you don't respond.
|
Acknowledge Needs
|
|
Do as I say!
|
It seems like you
are unable to make a choice right now.
I can help you.
|
Validate Feelings
|
|
How many times do
I have to tell you?
|
I can tell you're
having trouble stopping your body. I'm
going to help you.
|
Quality Feedback
|
|
Hitting
|
What is your
problem?
|
You are hitting
your friend with your body.
|
Observation
|
I said STOP
hitting. It's not nice.
|
It looks like you
wanted his attention.
|
Acknowledge Needs
|
|
How would you like
it if I did that to you?
|
You felt mad when
your friend didn't look at you.
|
Validate Feelings
|
|
If you do that one
more time, you're going in a time-out.
|
Hitting
hurts. When you want someone's
attention, try this (say excuse me, tap lightly
on the shoulder, call their name).
This helps people know what you need.
|
Quality Feedback
|
|
Waiting for turn
|
How dare you speak
to me like that!
|
I hear how angry
you are.
|
Observation
|
Use your
manners! Be patient.
|
It was important
to you that I listen to your idea.
|
Acknowledge Needs
|
|
You're not making
me happy. I've given you three
chances!
|
You got excited
and worried that you wouldn't be included.
It was hard to wait.
|
Validate Feelings
|
|
If you can't wait
your turn and ask nicely, then you lose your chance!
|
Those words don't
help us find a solution. Would you be willing to (ask
in a different way, slow down and start over, help me understand more about
your idea)? I will be more
mindful too. This will help us both
respond in ways that are respectful.
|
Quality Feedback
|
|
How many times do
I have to remind you to do your chores?
|
I noticed that you
didn't finish your chores.
|
Observation
|
|
Just once, I wish
you would do what I've asked.
|
I'd like to hear
more about what's been going on for you.
|
Acknowledge Needs
|
|
Is that too much
to ask of you?
|
It seems that now
you really dislike doing the things that you agreed to.
|
Validate Feelings
|
|
If you can't do
your chores when you're told, then you can stay in this weekend and do them.
|
I'm concerned
because it's important to me that we all contribute to keeping up the
house. I don't like when we fight
about it. Do you have some ideas of
how you think we can work this out?
|
Quality Feedback
|
|
Waiting in
line/tantrum
|
What do you think
you're doing?
|
You've been trying
to patiently wait. It must seem like a
long time.
|
Observation
|
Get UP off that
floor right now!
|
You're probably
bored/tired, huh?
|
Acknowledge Needs
|
|
I can't take you
anywhere! Stand up before I get really angry.
|
I know it's hard
to wait in this line. Thank you for
trying your best.
|
Validate Feelings
|
|
If you sit on that
floor one more time - then NO ballgame tomorrow!
|
It's not going to
work to sit on the floor. If you need
help standing you can (lean on me, find a bench,
take some deep breaths). I'll
help you or you can try yourself.
Which do you choose?
|
Quality Feedback
|
|
Buying toys
|
I said no. Now stop asking.
|
I'm hearing that
if you could choose differently, you'd prefer to buy both toys.
|
Observation
|
You knew that we
were buying ONE toy. A re you going to keep pestering me?
|
I know you enjoy
playing these games after school.
|
Acknowledge Needs
|
|
I'm trying to be
patient with you. I already told you
why we can't buy both. Would you like
the other for your birthday? Please try and be happy for what you have.
|
It feels
frustrating/disappointing/difficult to choose between two things that you
really want.
|
Validate Feelings
|
|
If you can't be
grateful, we don't have to buy anything.
|
It's not going to
work today. If your heart is set on it
- what can you do? What would feel
better right now? I'm here to listen. (earn/save money, share more about plans/ideas, think
about something you are grateful for)
|
Quality Feedback
|
|
Interrupt while on
the phone
|
I've asked you
nicely. Now, do you want to lose
privileges this weekend?
|
You have something
important to tell me.
|
Observation
|
Can't you see I’m
on the phone. Stop being so
impatient. Just wait.
|
You would like my
attention, so you can share your plan/thoughts/idea.
|
Acknowledge Needs
|
|
Be a good boy,
don't be disrespectful.
|
I can't listen
when I'm on the phone and that is frustrating. It's hard to wait when you're excited about
something.
|
Validate Feelings
|
|
If you interrupt
me one more time while I'm on this call - there will be no soccer on
Saturday.
|
I am going to
listen when I am finished. What you
have to say is important to me. What
do you need to help you wait? (hold your child's
hand, allow them to sit on our lap, don't engage in arguments, silently
respond w/touch, move to a quiet place if you need more privacy or quiet)
|
Quality Feedback
|
|
Disrespect
|
You will not speak
to me like that.
|
I think we both
need to take some time to cool-off.
|
Observation
|
Who do you think
you are?
|
It doesn't work
for me to continue like this. I don't
want to yell.
|
Acknowledge Needs
|
|
I gave you my
decision. Do not make me tell you again!
You're really pushing me!
|
You're feeling
angry. I hear that you think my
decision is unfair.
|
Validate Feelings
|
|
If you ask me
again, no movies this weekend.
|
My decision on
this is not negotiable. It's ok to be
upset about it. I'm here for you. I want to listen.
|
Quality Feedback
|
|
Fighting in Car
|
Don't you make me
stop this car!
|
I've pulled over
to the side of the road because this isn't working for me.
|
Observation
|
Do you want me to
get into an accident? I can't drive
with this fighting!
|
I can't drive
safely while distracted. I recognize
this is important to you.
|
Acknowledge Needs
(everyone's)
|
|
Now, knock it
off! Just be quiet for five more
minutes. We're almost home!
|
You and your
sister are having words. You're
feeling very upset about something.
|
Validate Feelings
|
|
One more word out
of either of you and NO park today.
|
I'm not going to
drive until it is safe. What is your
idea for solving this? (hold off until we get home, speak in lower tones, take
some time to cool down) I am
willing to help when we get home when I can focus on what you're telling
me. Are you willing to wait?
|
Quality Feedback
|
|
Performing Task
|
Listen to what I
say. Can't you follow directions?
|
It looks like
you're having some trouble remembering how it's done.
|
Observation
|
Try it again. No, not like that. You're making a mess!
|
I imagine that
feels frustrating.
|
Validate Feelings
|
|
Forget it. I'll do it myself.
|
I'm wondering if
you feel stuck when you try to do it on your own. You wanted to accomplish this without help.
|
Acknowledge Needs
|
|
Next time, just
listen to me the first time and we won't have this problem.
|
This isn't
working. I want to follow the
directions so it turns out the way we are hoping. How can we work on this together? (write down the
directions, go slower, ask for help)
|
Quality Feedback
|
|
Sibling Fight
|
Apologize, right
now!
|
When you call your
sister/brother a "big jerk" it's hard to know what you really want
to happen. I'd like to be clear.
|
Observation +
Share your needs
|
That was so
rude. We don't say things like that.
|
I imagine it's
difficult to share/play/help. When
you're feeling frustrated, you can't think of better ways to respond.
|
Validate Feelings
|
|
You
share/play/help your sister/brother.
S/he's the best friend you'll ever have.
|
Name calling isn't
allowed but it's important that we work it out because I see how strongly you
feel about it.
|
Limits +
Acknowledge Needs
|
|
Now, go play
nicely together or there will be NO party on Saturday.
|
What can we do
next? How can you… (protect your belongings or privacy, make a new choice)
|
Quality Feedback
|
|
Sibling Fight 2
|
Just BE
gentle/kind/helpful/nice… What did I just hear you say?!
|
She is sad. You said you "hated" her. Those words aren't allowed in our house.
|
Observation -
Nonjudgmental limits.
|
I don't ever want
to hear you say that again about your sister/brother.
|
You must have been
feeling pretty angry. I don't
understand what happened but I know it was upsetting.
|
Validate Feelings
|
|
We love our
family. How would you like it if s/he
said s/he hated you?
|
It's okay to feel
angry. It seems like you were
needing.. (my attention, privacy, cooperation,
quiet, recognition)
|
Acknowledge Needs
|
|
Knock it off NOW,
or you will go to your room and think about your behavior. Your CHOICE.
|
When that happened
where did you feel the anger in your body? (teach
children to notice the signals of stress so they can practice stopping the
reactionary behavior)
|
Quality Feedback
|
|
Practicing
Instrument
|
Why haven't you
finished practicing? If you just get it over with, you'll be done.
|
The piano lid is
closed. I noticed you haven't opened
your lesson book.
|
Observation
|
You need to
practice, there will be no more discussion.
|
I know you prefer
to keep your commitments. I'm
wondering what's interrupting your focus.
|
Acknowledge the
good in your child + the challenge
|
|
Do you know how
much those lessons cost? I will not
waste my money.
|
I'm hearing that
it feels challenging to keep up with it all.
I understand that.
|
Validate + Reflect
Feelings
|
|
Practice the piano
or no TV.
|
Practice is
required for this class. What are some
ways you can make it more comfortable/enjoyable? (have
someone close by to practice with, break up practice time into smaller chunks
or schedule lots of breaks in between)
|
Quality Feedback
(requests + cooperative solutions)
|
|
Candy before
Dinner
|
Did you hear what
I just said?
|
I hear your
request for more candy.
|
Observation
|
You know there is
NO candy before dinner. It will spoil
your appetite.
|
You'd like more
because it's yummy and makes you feels so good.
|
Acknowledge
Needs/Feelings
|
|
You ate enough
candy this week. Aren't you ever
satisfied?
|
(SILENCE)
(allow the child to safely express his upset as long as needed)
|
||
If you ask me
again, all the Halloween candy is going in the trash.
|
I'm here to listen
to how unfair it feels. (LISTEN). I won't let you
hit/hurt/scratch/kick. (LISTEN)
|
Quality Feedback
|
|
Getting Dressed
|
I'm only going to
say this one more time - go GET DRESSED!
|
Your clothes are
still in your room. We have five
minutes to leave. What needs to happen
next?
|
Observation,
Inquiry
|
I don't have any
time to waste. Do NOT make me late.
|
I can see you are
feeling distracted and could use some help.
What step are you stuck on?
|
Acknowledge Needs
|
|
Put on your
socks. Why are your shoes still in the
closet? I don't understand why it takes you so long to do ONE thing?!
|
You'd like to stop
and play with this fun game.
Pants/shirts are on. What's
missing?
|
Validate Feelings,
Prompt with a Question
|
|
Do it now or else!
1… 2… 3
|
You got your
shoes. Great. Which will you do first, right or left
food?
|
Quality Feedback
(guidance through problem solving)
|
|
Receiving Gift
Rudeness
|
That was extremely
rude.
|
Grandma gave you
something and I saw you walk away and toss it.
|
Observation
|
When someone gives
you a gift, you better say thank you, young man.
|
I understand it
wasn't what you were expecting and you don't have to pretend to like it. I think Grandma would appreciate if you
noticed her effort.
|
Acknowledge
Needs/Feelings of ALL
|
|
I don't care if
you already have that toy or don't like it.
It isn't nice.
|
It's important to
show gratitude when someone gives us a gift.
|
Set Compassionate
Limits
|
|
Ungrateful
children don't get any presents.
|
How would you like
to do that? You can give her a hug or just a thank you will work too. I'll go with you if you like.
|
Requests +
Cooperative Solutions = Quality Feedback
|
|
Injuring Sibling
While Playing
|
I said calm
down. Look what you just did! You almost knocked over your sister.
|
It looks like you
need more space. Your sister is also
playing here.
|
Observation
|
Do you need a
time-out?
|
You want to jump
and roll because it's fun and it feels good.
|
Acknowledge
Feelings + Needs
|
|
I think you need
to go sit on the steps and think about how you're acting. You can come back when you're calm.
|
I won't let you do
somersaults here. Sister is too little
and it isn't safe.
|
Set Compassionate
Limits
|
|
Now, do you think
you're ready to sit and play nicely?
|
You can still
play. Do you have another idea? What can you choose next? (move to a new space, find a new game)
|
Allow the child to
solve his own predicament + offer to help = Quality Feedback
|
|
Wanting Toy (ages
0-4)
|
Another toy/game
for your list, huh?
|
Oh, another
toy. This one has music.
|
Observation
|
Maybe you'll
actually play with this one?
|
You like musical
toys. Show me how it works/what you
like.
|
Acknowledge Needs
|
|
You seem to think
I'm made of money or something.
|
Looks like a fun toy.
Let's put it on the list for next time/birthday/holiday.
|
Set compassionate
limits with a YES
|
|
No. You have enough. I'm not buying one more thing. You have to learn to be grateful for what
you have. Don't ask me again.
|
Yes, I know it's
sad. It's ok to be sad about not
having it right now. (Let your child be SAD.
You don't need to take it as a threat nor do you need to stop the
reaction - practice with compassion builds tolerance)
|
Acknowledge
Feelings w/ Empathy = Quality Feedback
|
|
Wanting Toy (ages
5-8)
|
You have lots of
wishes and ideas for this birthday/holiday
|
Observation
|
|
Tell me more about
this new one.
|
Acknowledge Needs
|
||
There is a lot on
this list. You would have ot trade
something out - do you think it's worth it?
|
Set Limits by
Giving a Choice
|
||
Not sure? Let's rate these items. Are they useful, fun? Will they last, will they hold your
interest?
|
Problem-solving
inquiry = Quality Feedback
|
||
Wanting Toy (ages
8+)
|
I'm noticing you
have a lot more interests these days.
|
Observation
|
|
I know you have
some similar games. Tell me what you
like most about this.
|
Acknowledge Needs
|
||
This one has a
price of $200. If you think it is
worth it, do you have a plan to save up for it?
|
Set compassionate
limits with a YES
|
||
That's a
start. I have some things you could do
to earn some extra cash.
|
Guidance with an
offer to help = Quality Feedback
|
||
Mistakes
|
You have no one
but yourself to blame.
|
It looks like you
were expecting a different outcome.
|
Observation
|
If you'd clean up
this pigsty/be more responsible/be nicer/study harder etc. then this wouldn't
have happened.
|
(Silence)
(Acknowledge feelings silently with your body language, get close, offer a
hand, lean in, lower yourself..)
|
Acknowledge
Feelings
|
|
You better not let
this happen again
|
This is not an
easy situation and I know you wanted to be responsible. Sometimes things get in our way.
|
Validate needs by
assuming the BEST in your child
|
|
You need to think
before you act or you're going to make it worse.
|
Making mistakes is
like practice. So you must have
learned something new! Do you have any
new ideas of what you could change next time?
|
Faith in your
child's ability to CHANGE = Quality Feedback
|
|
Arguing
|
Do NOT argue with
me about this.
|
Okay, you'd like
to tell me more and share your feelings about my decision.
|
Observation
|
I made my
decision. Don't make me get angry.
|
We disagree and
you are upset because you think that I am being unfair.
|
Validate Feelings
|
|
Quit it with the
crocodile tear. Crying will not change
my mind.
|
Your opinions are
important to me. I'd like it if you
could share what you have to say in a speaking tone of voice. It will help me focus.
|
Acknowledge Needs
|
|
Are you going to
stop? Or do you need to spend some
time in your room?
|
I hear how
difficult this is for you to accept.
Moving through this frustration means getting out of your feelings. (talking to someone, creative writing, drawing,
movement)
|
Offer to help +
Cooperative Solutions = Quality Feedback
|
|
Jealous of Feeding
Baby
|
Can't you see I'm
feeding the baby?
|
I'm
holding/feeding the baby and that is upsetting because you'd like me to
hold/pay attention to you too.
|
Observation
|
I can't hold you
right now. I know you want me and
you're so sad but you'll have to be patient and wait.
|
Being a big sister
is new and different. It's okay to
feel sad, mad, or upset.
|
Acknowledge
Feelings without "I know you are
but.."
|
|
Absolutely not. We
do NOT throw things.
|
I'm going to put
your cup over here because I see you want to throw it and I won't let you do
that. It's not safe.
|
Validate Needs and
Be calm and & preventative, not punitive
|
|
Now stop it before
I get angry/ you disturb the baby/ you hurt someone. I held you when you were a baby too. Go play with a toy until I'm ready for you.
|
It's hard to
wait. It feels like a long time. You wish it wasn't like this. (Offer to sit close, or just quietly listen and/or
reflect what you hear until your child feels ready to move forward)
|
Empathy heals =
Quality Feedback
|
|
Separation Anxiety
|
What are you
worried about? There is no reason to
worry/be sad.
|
I'm wondering if
you're feeling sad about me leaving.
|
Observation
|
You'll be
fine. I'll be back soon. You'll have so much fun.
|
It's natural to
feel nervous. It takes you some time
to get used to new people.
|
Acknowledge Needs
|
|
Don't be sad. You'll make me too sad. Try not to worry.
|
Tell me about (or guess) what is most scary/upsetting for you?
|
Validate Feelings
|
|
Be a good boy/girl
and we'll get you something special when I get back.
|
It's time for me
to say goodbye. You don't have to be
ready. (get comfort w/another caregiver/buddy,
listen to music, listen to a story, carry this special item to remind you of
me) It's okay to cry and let out your feelings. You're not alone.
|
Quality Feedback
|
|
Not Respecting
Limits
|
You did this to
yoursef. You better learn to control
yourself/behave/do what you're asked.
|
I noticed you were
unable to… (control your body, do what I've
asked, complete homework, remember to hang up your coat, straighten your
room, etc.)
|
Observation
|
Maybe next time,
you'll think before you act. It's
going to be this way until you learn.
|
It isn't working
and [my limit/decision for change] is upsetting to you. It must feel tiring/frustrating.
|
Validate Feelings
|
|
You think you can
get away with this behavior in the future? You are mistaken.
|
I imagine this
wouldn't have happened if you were thinking clearly. It's not what you wanted nor expected. You wanted… (name
the NEED, validate errors w/out making it shameful)
|
Acknowledge Needs
|
|
You're getting off
easy this time. Remember that. I'm tired of this. This is your last chance.
|
I want it to be
different so I'm going to work with you on this until we manage it. I have faith that I can get through this
with you. (make a plan, consider the goal - then you
can make new choices/adjustments, find the hidden missing need)
|
Quality Feedback
|
|
Defiance (Acting
Out)
|
Oh yes, you WILL
do what I ask!
|
Hmm, I hear that
you'd like to share your thoughts about this limit/situation.
|
Observation
|
Excuse me, what
did you just say?
|
You'd like to have
some say in what happens to you and this is hard right now.
|
Acknowledge
Feelings and Needs
|
|
I don't understand
you! I just told you NOT to hit/scream/touch/take. I'm trying to be patient but you're really
pushing me.
|
You feel
frustrated. It's difficult for me to
understand your words when you are feeling so upset. I'd like to be quiet for a moment so you
can think/collect your thoughts/form your words.
|
Be willing to
contribute to the changes you want
|
|
If you can't
behave and be nice then: no one will want to play with you, we will have to
leave, you will not get XYZ
|
What can you do
next? What might feel better? (take some deep
breaths, write/draw it out, quiet time)
|
Quality Feedback
|
|
Defiance
(Withdrawing)
|
You never listen
to me!
|
When I asked you
to clean up/come with me/stop the behaior, you looked away and didn't say
anything.
|
Observation
|
Why can't you be
respectful/obedient/helpful/polite?
|
I'm trying to
understand. I see that you are upset
and I'd like to talk first.
|
Acknowledge
Feelings, Invitation to Connect
|
|
You need to help
me. Be good and do what I ask. Go on, now.
|
Would you be
willing to tell me what it feels like when I make that request?
|
Be
curious/investigate real needs driving the behavior
|
|
I'm asking you to
be obedient/patient/kind/quiet/good.
If you don't want to lose a privilege/lose my car/attention, then
please do what I ask.
|
My need is for
(our agreements to be kept/help/quiet/consideration/respect). I'd like you to feel like you are
heard. What can we do to make this
work for us?
|
Cooperative
solutions + requests = Quality Feedback
|
|
Sibling Conflict -
Touching Things
|
You're
overreacting.
|
I'd like to hear
what happened that is causing you to react this way.
|
Observation
|
Your brother
didn't mean it. He's only little. Why are you getting so upset?
|
So, it sounds like
you don't want your things to be disturbed.
You've been working hard on this and you'd prefer that nothing be
touched. I can understand.
|
Acknowledge
Needs/Feelings
|
|
Will you relax,
it's just Legos. I'll make sure he
doesn't do it again.
|
He admires you, I
think. I bet he was impressed with
what he saw. He still needs help
remembering the rules.
|
Limits +
Reflecting the needs/feelings of others
|
|
Calm down before I
get angry and really give you something to cry about.
|
How can we make
sure your privacy is considered and do it in a respectful way? (put special things away, invite him to look
w/supervision)
|
Quality Feedback
|
|
Whining/Crying
|
Stop crying and
tell me what you need.
|
You would like me
to listen and you sound very frustrated.
|
Observation,
Validate Feelings
|
No, I don't want
to hear that whining. It's not
pleasant.
|
I'd like to hear
you. Come, sit next to me.
|
Acknowledge Needs,
Invitation to Connect
|
|
I'm right
here. There is no reason to hine. Come on!
I can't understand you.
|
Let's try
again. Take a deep breath.
|
Focus on
regulating the emotion but be ok with where they are right now
|
|
Next time, use
your big girl words or no one will want to help you.
|
I can help you
best when you use your words. Let's
try that next time. When you feel
upset, you can… (take a deep breath, ask for a
hug/cuddle, draw/color)
|
Quality Feedback
|
|
Defiance -
Touching
|
I said no. Don't touch it again.
|
You touched this
after I asked you not to.
|
Observation
|
What did I just
say? How many times do I have to tell
you?
|
This is hard for
you so I'm going to help. (move the
object, gently remove your child from the object or the area, hold your
child's hand in public)
|
Acknowledge your
child's experience + offer to help
|
|
You need to learn
to listen/be good/do what you're told/control yourself.
|
You're
excited. It's hard not to touch when
you really want to. It takes some
practice to stop our bodies. Let's
take some deep breaths.
|
Invite to connect
by honoring your child's intent, give tools
|
|
One more time and
you're going in a time out.
|
I won't let you
touch it, but I'm here to help.
Ready? Let's try again.
|
Non-punitive
limits + support + practice = Quality Feedback
|
|
Lying/Undesired
Behavior
|
I'm very
disappointed in you.
|
I'm
disappointed. I don't think either of
us wanted this to happen.
|
Observation,
Validate Feelings
|
I thought I could
depend on you to do what you were asked.
|
I'd like to hear
what happened. I know you had good
intentions. So, something got in the
way and/or upset you.
|
Acknowledge
intentions, investigate needs with an invitation to connect
|
|
You are showing me
that you can't be trusted.
|
I'd like to feel
considered. It helps when I can rely
on you to be honest and keep our agreements.
|
Honestly share
your needs and preferences
|
|
Since you haven't
behaved, I'm going to have to take away your privileges
|
What else would
have helped you? Let's brainstorm some
other solutions. (What are some things important to consider/ways you
could have asked for help/manage your emotions?)
|
Quality Feedback
|
|
Making a Mess
|
I told you if you
made a mess, the paint was going away.
|
The caps have been
taken off of the paint jars. The rule
is that when we're inside - we keep the lids on and dip like this.
|
Observation +
Model the Limit
|
You don't listen
to me and keep the caps on, so you're losing your privileges.
|
It's not as fun,
huh? I understand that. It's easier to
dip your brush without that little hole, it's so small.
|
Validate Feelings
+ Needs
|
|
No, no
crying. I gave you a warning and you
deliberately chose to ignore the rule.
|
It's hard for you
to do it alone. I'll put these away
and we can try again later.
|
Take
responsibility for enforcing limits without blame
|
|
Next time, you'll
think about listening and making different choices.
|
Of course, that's
upsetting. It's not what you
wanted. Come and tell me more. (about your
ideas, your feelings, your thoughts, wishes or how can we try it differently
next time)
|
Stay empathetic +
offer to help = Quality Feedback
|
|
Undesired Behavior
|
You are absolutely
infuriating.
|
I'm feeling very
angry about what has happened.
|
Share your
feelings without blaming others
|
I can't believe
what you have done. What were you
thinking?
|
I expected our
rules to be followed/our agreement to be kept.
|
Acknowledge the
limit and your expectations
|
|
You know
better. There is no excuse.
|
I know that you
would have chosen better if you could.
Something must have gotten in your way for this to have happened.
|
Recognize the good
in your child and his honest intent
|
|
We will discuss
your punishment once this situation is taken care of.
|
I think once we
both cool off - we should come back together and talk about this. That would work best for me. How about you?
|
Regulate to
educate + patience = Quality Feedback
|
|
Anxiety/Performance
|
Don't rush - calm
down and relax.
|
You're
pacing. It must be nerve-wracking
waiting.
|
Observation
|
Just be yourself
and you'll be fine.
|
It's a big day for
you. I imagine I'd be anxious if it
were me.
|
Acknowledge
Feelings
|
|
Everyone will love
you. Why wouldn't they?
|
I know you want to
do your best because you've worked hard for this. If there's anything I can do to support you
- I'm open to hearing about it.
|
Validate Needs +
open-ended offer to help
|
|
It doesn't matter
what happens or who wins - all that matters is that you did your best.
|
The outcome is
important to you. Seems like you are
bound to learn something new - either way.
|
Recognize your
child's experience = Quality Feedback
|
|
Defiance -
Hitting/Negative Emotions
|
Calm down. I said… (do this/no/stop it). You are will not…
(disobey/ignore/disrespect) me.
|
When I said… (do
this/no/stop it) you wanted to.. (hit/throw/cry/scream).
|
Observe what you
see
|
You're not
listening to me again.
|
It feels…
(unfair/upsetting) because you very much wanted to… (stay/play/have).
|
Validate
Feelings/Needs through reflection
|
|
You are NOT…
(getting what you want) because.. (you had enough/I said so). You are not… (being a good girl/boy). You better… (stop asking/control yourself).
|
It's hard to
stop. I won't let you hit. I can help.
Come sit close and tell me more.
|
Offer to help,
invitation to connect
|
|
If you don't … (do
what I say/behave/stop) there will be NO (privileges/treats/rewards)
|
You didn't like
the way that felt. What happened in
your body? (after kids are regulated, teach them
body intelligence so they can learn to recognize and control their impulses.) You wanted to… (name it) and I said
no. What's next? What do YOU think?
|
Permission to feel
and make decisions = Long term emotional health
|
|
Back-Talk
|
You are testing my
patience.
|
I'm feeling
frustrated and out of patience.
|
Self-reflection,
sharing feelings
|
You are not being
very cooperative. I can't hel pyou
when you snap at me.
|
I'd like your
cooperation. It doesn't look like we
can speak about this right now.
|
Share needs,
acknowledge what is real in the moment
|
|
What did I tell
you about your manners/behavior/back-talk?
|
You don't seem
like yourself. I think it's best if I
give you some space. Let's speak about
this… (set a time to re-visit later, after a good
night's sleep, etc.)
|
Validate the good
in your child, offer patience
|
|
You need to learn
to do what you're told/say please/thank you/control yourself. I won't tolerate this disrespectful
attitude.
|
I'd like to have
more respect. I'd like it if you could
… (make actionable request.) What do
you need most that you're not getting?
How can we do this differently?
|
Quality Feedback
|
|
Food Limits
|
No, we're not
going to have the whole cookie.
|
No, we're not
going to have the whole cookie.
|
Setting the limit.
|
Oh no, we're not
going to scream either or we won't have any cookie.
|
That is not what
you expected. It's okay to be sad.
|
Validate Feelings
|
|
Oh - look how sad
you are. You still have some
cookie. Do you want me to take that
away too?
|
You really wanted
the whole thing. It's so delicious,
you don't want to stop.
|
Acknowledge your
child's experience
|
|
No, okay - let me
see a happy girl. Oh good - that's
better!
|
If your child neds space to release the emotions,
try…
Let's go have a
good cry, you're frustrated.
If your child is soothed by your listening
presence, try…
Come, sit with me
and tell me more.
|
Quality Feedback
|
|
Poor Listening
|
Turn around and
look at me when I'm speaking to you.
|
Would you be
willing to look at me? I have
something to share.
|
Connect by asking
for willingness
|
This is what
happens when you don't pay attention.
|
I noticed by the
way you were standing that it would be hard to do what I asked.
|
Observation
|
|
You weren't
looking at what you were doing.
|
You seemed focused
on something else.
|
Acknowledge your
child's experience
|
|
That is NOT
okay. I need you to listen to me so
you won't make that mistake again. Do
you understand?
|
It's hard to focus
on two things at once, isn't it? This
isn't working for me. I'll need your
full attention to try again. What do
you think would help? (stay close, offer to assist, make a visual
guide/list, or gently say "let's try again another time.")
|
Quality Feedback
|
|
Sibling
Conflict/Sharing
|
I don't want to
hear another word.
|
I can tell from
the loud voices that you're having a tough time.
|
Observation, Be
interested in what's happening
|
This fighting
between you two is ridiculous and needs to stop.
|
You've been
getting upset with each other a lot lately.
You're stomping, you're both sweaty.
That only happens when you're feeling pretty mad.
|
Validate Feelings
|
|
If s/he does it
again, just ignore it. You don't need
to get so angry.
|
Let's come
together for a moment.
|
Check-in, are your
kids ready to move forward peacefully??
|
|
If the two of you
don't work it out, you'll spend the weekend in your room together.
|
I'm hearing that
it's been difficult to share your need for (respect) with each other. I've got some ideas. How about you? Do you have any suggestions for a solution?
|
Acknowledge needs
+ ask and investigate = Quality Feedback
|
|
Anger
|
What's gotten into
you lately?
|
You don't seem
like yourself.
|
Observation
|
You're asking for
trouble. You want to lose your
computer fo another week?
|
I've noticed
you're having more and more trouble controlling your reactions.
|
Acknowledge
Feelings
|
|
You just can't
stop/follow the rules/keep your hands to yourself, can you?
|
What's most
upsetting? Can you name it?
|
Validate
stress-reactions, enhance skill development and brain growth with reflective
questions
|
|
I don't know what
I can do. You don't listen. I can't
seem to get through to you.
|
I know it's
hard. I'm trying not to get angry
too. We can work on this
together. If I see you are getting
triggered, I'll… (signal that it's time to
cool-off give you space, etc.)
I'd like it if you could practice walking away before you get so
angry. Would you be willing to try?
|
Requests +
Cooperative solutions = Quality Feedback
|
|
Misbehaving in
Public
|
Your behavior is
atrocious.
|
I can tell you're
feeling impatient. We've been waiting
a long time.
|
Observation
|
You know better
than this. Don't embarrass me.
|
Look around, what
do you see?
|
Prompt your child
to observe surroundings, this builds executive functioning
|
|
Get over
here. Stand up. Don't move another muscle.
|
We can't jump
around while we're here. Would it help
to step into the hall?
|
Set limits with an
offer to help
|
|
Do it again and
you lose privileges
|
I can tell you're
trying your best. Tell me how I can
help you stand comfortably next to me for the next 10 minutes.
|
Quality Feedback
|
|
Picking Up
|
How many times do
I have to ask you to pick up after yourself?
|
I noticed your
clothes/boos/games on the floor in the living room.
|
Observation
|
If you'd listen
the first time, I wouldn't have to say things over and over.
|
You may have
forgotten. We made an agreement that
you would be responsible for putting away your things.
|
Acknowledge
mistakes without assumptions or blame
|
|
It's time you
learned to take some responsibility
|
When you're
finished with what you're doing, would you be willing to take care of it?
|
Validate
Experiences + Invite Contribution
|
|
I don’t' know what
else to do with you. There will be no
computer for one week.
|
(If you hear a
"No" - don't demand - investigate)
That won't work for me. I'd
like to know more about what's going on for you. You obviously feel strongly about
this.
|
Acknowledge
Feelings + Take Interest = Quality Feedback
|
|
Running Away
|
Come back here
right now!
|
You're having a
hard time staying close.
|
Observation
|
That is not
safe. You cannot run away from me
again. Do you understand?
|
It looks fun but
it's not safe and I won't let you hurt yourself.
|
Validate
feelings/Needs, set limits with confidence
|
|
STOP! Do you want to get hit by a car? I would be very sad if that happened.
|
You'd rather
choose on your own where to walk.
You're growing up!
|
Acknowledge your
child's needs
|
|
Please walk next
to me. If you run away again, you're
going in time-out.
|
I can't let you
choose this time. We have to be
safe. I'll hold your hand to help you
because I can tell this is frustrating.
|
Offer to help +
cooperative solutions = Quality Feedback
|
|
Acceptance/Sharing
room
|
I care about you,
but you're being unreasonable.
|
You are very upset
about this. I am listening. I wnt to
know more.
|
Willingness,
curiosity, non-judgement
|
It is not that big
of a deal. No one is going to touch
your things.
|
Sounds like you're
worried and you can't stop thinking about what could happen.
|
Validate Feelings
|
|
You're not being
very kind. Is this how you show the
spirit of the holiday?
|
I care about
you. I can't change this. It is hard for me to know how to help when
you yell/push me away.
|
Acknowledge Needs,
Observe, Share your inner world
|
|
I think someone
doesn't want to watch the end of the movie.
One more word and you're going to bed.
|
I know how
difficult this is for you to accept.
I'm listening and I'm here if you want help with those big feelings.
|
Offer to help +
Cooperative solutions = Quality Feedback
|
|
Separation Anxiety
2
|
You're going to be
fine. Please stop.
|
You're
shaking. You don't want me to go. You're scared that I won't come back.
|
Observation
|
I'm only going for
a bike ride. There is nothing to worry
about.
|
I know you want to
feel safe because you don't like the way you feel when I'm not here.
|
Acknowledge
Needs/Fears
|
|
You're going to
have to get over this. I can't be here
all the time.
|
When you got lost
that time, I was shaking too. Let's
shake out the fear.
|
Connect thoughts
in the mind to sensations in the body
|
|
Just play with
your trains while I'm gone. I'll be
back soon and you won't even miss me.
|
If I could have
any superhero power to help me feel safe when I feel scared or alone it would
be…
|
Emotional
engagement + storytelling = Quality Feedback
|
|
Morning Struggles
|
Why is it taking
you so long to finish your breakfast?
|
What are you
having this morning?
|
When you notice
your child isn't eating, take a bite of food and prompt w/ a question
|
You need to hurry
and get dressed
|
I left clean jeans
on your bed.
|
Acknowledge the
situation by offering a helpful prompt
|
|
I don't understand
you! Stop fooling around I'm trying to be patient but you're really
pushing me.
|
Are you looking
forward to school today? Anything
special happening?
|
Take interest in
children's world instead of pushing them to be independent or motivated - you
might find there are feelings hiding underneath
|
|
Well, once again
you're going to be late. I don't know
what to do with you.
|
Be silent and
listen. Allow
your child to share without advice.
Cue children to the next task by walking with them, handing them a
toothbrush or comb and staying connected without feeling like you need to
speak and repeat limits.
|
Connection +
Nonverbal cues = Quality Feedback
|
|
Inappropriate
Sharing
|
Don't say it if
you know it's wrong.
|
You've got a
thought in your head and it's making you uncomfortable.
|
Check the facts -
notice and name the problem
|
Think about
something else.
|
I have thoughts
like that sometimes. I usually feel
better if I can share them with someone in private.
|
Share your world -
validate and normalize
|
|
Focus on what you
do want instead of what is upsetting you.
|
I'm wondering what
might help you release those thoughts?
|
Be curious
|
|
If it isn't
appropriate to say to someone, then it is best not said at all.
|
If it isn't
appropriate to say to someone, let's create a way to get those thoughts out
without hurting anyone.
|
Offer help +
Problem solve together = Quality Feedback
|
|
Bad Manners
|
((You little
craps))
|
((You little
craps)) think it and then let it go. Breathe. Hey guys, I'm honestly frustrated. This did not happen the way I expected.
(breathe, regulate, respond from authenticity not fear)
|
Observation
|
((You don't
deserve this)) Throw ice cream in trash.
|
Do you know what
we missed back there?
|
Acknowledge the
situation by prompting with a question so their brains get practice in
connecting to the right region - executive center not survival brain
|
|
Stare down.
|
What should we do
next?
|
Let children THINK
because when they THINK while feeling safe (not scared), they LEARN to
REMEMBER
|
|
[insert lecture on
politeness, respect, and basic human decency]
|
Sometimes I forget
my manners too. I'm here to help you
practice.
|
Connection +
tolerance of mistakes = Quality Feedback
|
|
Sibling Conflict -
Being Annoyed
|
So what if she's
bragging? Just ignore her!
|
I hear her.
|
Observation
|
What do you want
me to do? (to the other) Hey, stop aggravating your cousin!
|
She sounds excited
that she got something right.
|
Validate Feelings
|
|
It was so peaceful
a minute ago!! What happened? Why
can't you just be nice to each other?
|
She wants to feel
proud. What do you want?
|
Acknowledge Needs,
Be Curious
|
|
If you all can't
get along, then we won't play together anymore.
|
If you want her to
stop, notice what she's saying, and then tell her what works best for you.
|
Make requests,
share your needs = Quality Feedback
|
|
Sibling Conflict -
Hitting
|
Stop it! I said
leave him alone.
|
The rule is
"hands to ourselves." It looks like you're having trouble.
|
Observation
|
You wouldn't like
it if somebody did that to you.
|
He's telling you
he doesn't like that. I think you
wanted his attention - maybe to share your idea?
|
Make connections,
Acknowledge Needs
|
|
No one is going to
want to sit next to you if you act like that.
|
It's pretty loud
in here and he wasn't listening like you wanted. That's frustrating.
|
Validate
experiences + Emotions
|
|
I'm not going to
say it again. One more time and you'll
sit by yourself.
|
Hitting was a
mistake. We all make mistakes. Let's practice taking a deep breath. In and out… like you're blowing up a
balloon. 1… 2…. 3… 4.
|
Acknowledgement +
Calming Exercises = Quality Feedback
|
|
Whining about
Limit
|
I said, No! Do not ask me again.
|
I hear you. I am
listening.
|
Use neutral tone
for non-judgmental observation
|
Stop it with the
baby talk. You know I don't like
it. You are a big girl/boy.
|
You're not happy
about what's happening. You're mad
that I won't change my mind. Is that
right?
|
Acknowledge,
Validate, Confirm
|
|
Get over here and
be quiet.
|
Tell me more about
this. It helps me understand when you
speak clearly.
|
Focus on what you
want w/ actionable requests + Empathy
|
|
If you keep it up,
we're not coming back here again.
|
This is
important. I won't let you
hit/kick/hurt anyone. I want to
help. Let's … (sit
together, get some space/privacy, take a walk)
|
Listening _ help
with boundaries = Strengthened connections to self-regulations
|
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